On Manners, Mores and Etiquette
by Mariagoner
Summary: Because why NOT give Jo and Laurie an advice column? Would could possibly go wrong here? Jo/Laurie, with reader questions eagerly anticipated!
1. Column 1

I blame Elizabeth Harker for this. She told me writing an advice column dictated

by Jo and Laurie _wouldn't_ be a completely ridiculous idea _and_ she even gave me three starting questions to play with. So blame her and grad school for this bit of fluff and madness. Given my current, and slightly sadistic, school schedule, I can't write much more than fluff. But it can be fun fluff, at least!

So anyway... Jo. Laurie. An advice column. Let the madness ensue already!

* * *

**Advice Column #1**  


* * *

**CONUNDRUM 1:**

I'm a teacher, and one of my students keeps insisting my name is Captain Shadow. It isn't, but he doesn't speak enough English for me to make that fact clear to him. How can I get him to address me properly?

Jo: Wait, can we be sure your name _isn't_ Captain Shadow?

Laurie: I would assume so, given that the person writing in isn't likely to be: a) a hologram from the 31st century, b) a pirate with delusions of grandeur, or c) you when you've accidentally mistaken my scotch for lemonade that tastes remarkably appealing.

Jo: That last one ONLY HAPPENED THAT ONE TIME and need not be referred to incessantly, thank you kindly! And I'm sure you're imagining what happened that night anyhow, with or without suspicious gaps in my memory. Stop trying to insist I actually put a lamp-shade on my head, pranced around wearing nothing more than my wedding ring and your belt, and tried to do the can-can with a remarkable lack of coordination!

Laurie: In my defense, it's a difficult image to forget.

Jo: _Keep trying._ Anyway, back to our question! So, after deciding that isn't actually the advisee's given nomenclature-- through darn it, I like the pirate idea-- I guess you'll have to decide what to do based on a few variables.

Laurie: Such as how old the student is.

Jo: And how much authority you wield.

Laurie: And whether the student likes you or deserves a good dunking in a frozen over-pond.

Jo: And if you're allowed to accidentally lock him in a closet until he repents quickly.

Laurie: ...

Jo: Look, I was a governess for a few years, before I became a gold-digger and gave into your charms. IT'S THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. Corporal punishment is allowed! I'm being downright merciful, actually. We could probably set up a little dunk tank for him here and now and educators would think us cunning!

Laurie: Er... maybe our advisee should simply try repeating her name over and over again, or writing it in her student's language and putting it on a name-tag.

Jo: Oh sure, if we have to be sensible. But remember, if all else fails... there is the closet!

Laurie: And expulsion from your teaching position thereafter, probably.

Jo: Well, I suppose our advisee should do what I did and find some rich, charming, ludicrously good-looking spouse to help assuage her in the loss of her job. It worked out well for me!

Laurie: Heh. It did, did it?

Jo: Oh, of course it did! Well... as long as you remember to keep me away from all the various things in the household that make me start dancing on tables again while swiveling my hips like an uncoordinated longshoreman trying to pirouette.

Laurie: But where would the fun in _that_ be?

* * *

**CONUNDRUM 2**

Every time I start to make a friend, this one girl starts to befriend said person too. She invites them out a few times, and soon the other person never sees fit to talk to me again. It's sort of bothering me. What to do?

Jo: Shank them. Clean and simple. Take care of the problem, nice and easy.

Laurie: ...Do you even know what that means?

Jo: Well, no, but I read it in a book once and literature hasn't failed me yet.

Laurie: Remind me to keep you away from the books of good old de Sade, Jo. I think your faith in literary works sometimes verges on terrifying.

Jo: What's wrong with a little bibliophilia?

Laurie: Nothing normally... but it's a bit alarming when it comes close to making a jail-bird out of you! Really, Jo do you honestly not know what a 'shank' even refers to?

Jo: Well, I took a guess and managed to whittle a tiny shiv out of a pencil over the last three days. It could probably put out an eye from thirty yards away if thrown correctly. Is that close?

Laurie: ...It's the nights I fear the most, truly.

Jo: ANYWAY, getting back... if shanking, shivving or... er... something else that starts with an 's'-ing isn't on the menu, you could always try to do things peaceably. Talk it out with her. Try to keep in touch with the new person. Or...

Laurie: I sense great enthusiasm in that 'or,' Jo. Go on. Let out the crazy.

Jo: OR you could catch your friend-snatcher in the act of stealing new pals from you red-handed! Hire someone who looks eerily like you to PLAY you and pretend to be someone new that fake-you is excited about! And then be "stolen away" and see what sort of dark arts "this one girl" uses to keep them away! Black magic? Voodoo? Immoral but terribly sensual sexual favors? The sky's the limit on what you could find-- and how you can subsequently blackmail her too!

Laurie: ...I can see absolutely no way that could go wrong, darling.

* * *

**CONUNDRUM 3:**

I'm the teacher from the first question and I have to learn the names of 150 little Chinese children by the end of next week. So far I've learned... 8. It's bound to be a disaster. How can I keep from looking foolish in front of my students or looking like I'm playing favorites?

Jo: Oh, well, this is very simple!

Laurie: ...How on earth can _this_ be simple?

Jo: Easy, my dear Teddy. She should call everyone by her own name! That way, everyone gets treated the same and nobody could possibly confuse her for a hologram from the 31st century, a pirate with delusions of grandeur, or one of my visions from when I very accidentally mistake Teddy's scotch for lemonade that tasted remarkably appealing. It's fool-proof!

Laurie: ...

Jo: Have I actually rendered you dumb with shock from my brilliance?

Laurie: In... a manner... of speaking...

* * *

**Author's Note**: Reviews are nice, as always, and new questions from the audience would be even nicer! This is just a fun side-fic I want to do for laughs and giggles. Keep the questions coming and I'll keep going. I'll try to use 3 questions from different people every week!

Also, A Night to Remember's (the fic about Jo and Laurie's hypothetical wedding night) final chapter is up and I'm still trying to hit the magic 60 review mark there. Please do review if you read it and enjoyed it. ;)


	2. Column 2

Wow, Jo and Laurie's little advice column last week actually seems to have been a hit! In any case, I'm back with a second part and a promise to keep updating this as long as my kind readers keep sending questions in and I have internet access. (Which might get spotty once I move on Saturday... erk.) This is very easy and very fun to write and even if I can't get started on that Dead Amy story I've been working on for ages, this is a fun diversion that I love banging out quickly!

* * *

**Advice Column #2**

* * *

**Conundrum #1:**

**How do you let someone down gently?**

Jo: ...

Laurie: Are you sure we're really the right people to pose this question at? You are, after all, speaking of two people who can have epic hissy fits on the basis of a simple would-be marital misunderstanding...

Jo: Hey now, speak for yourself! I don't recall having much of a hissy-fit after I turned you down the first time...

Laurie: Wait, did storming off to New York to dally with strange German Professors with irritating phonetic accents not count? Because short of enraged madness, I'm not sure why you put up with him. _Ofh, Jo! I cannof possifly feenesh a sfingle fword wifouf mafing reafing me a pfain!_

Jo: Oh come on, he wasn't quite _that_ bad. He was so pleasant and... fatherly. Although I concede that the letter 'f' was much abused when a certain someone was writing him. And I suppose that counts but I only did it because I didn't have the means to go to Paris and find ways to avoid various venereal diseases during my time of debauched sadness.

Laurie: ...You knew about that?

Jo: Tch. Teddy, _everyone_ knows about that. I know about that. Amy knows about that. My parents know about that. Meg knows about that. Even Aunt March knows about that! Amy told me that when you first started courting her, Aunt told her to make sure you weren't seeping visibly at any stretch.

Laurie: I... I don't think I... I want to think of... of your aunt... or any other member of your family and... and seepage under any possible... circumstances...

Jo: So we can't answer the question and dwelling on the subject is apparently traumatizing you. So what do we do?

Laurie: Move onto the next question?

Jo: Seems eminently sensible, if a little cowardly. Next!

* * *

**Conundrum #2:**

**I'm reading this great book, and there are these two characters who should really be getting it on by now, but they live in this time period where you kind of have to be married first, and the authoress's editor made the boy become a dandy and the girl swoon suddenly for this old German guy...**

Laurie: Hah!

Jo: Oh great, now you've got him started...

Laurie: I told you! Swore to you! Declaimed and deplored and forewarned you! Nobody likes irritatingly moralistic old German professors who abuse the poor letter 'f' much too much! Clearly you made a finer and vastly less irritating choice of spouse in me.

Jo: She called you a dandy, you know. I'm not sure that's really flattering.

Laurie: Bah, it's just a neutral description. Nothing wrong with being artistic and attuned to matters of dress. And besides, she said herself that these certain characters _belong_ together and-- don't hit me Jo, I merely quote-- _should really be getting it on by now_. So she approves of us, clearly!

Jo: Sigh. That's because she doesn't live with you and has no idea how annoying you can be.

Laurie: At least I'm easy on the eyes, in person _and_ on the printed page! You have to concede as much to me.

Jo: Oh, fine. And reader, there's a very simple way of dealing with situations of great artistic frustration. Tack on your happy ending, and rewrite the story as you please! Although of course, you don't need to do as much for Teddy and I. We ended up happily together, didn't we?

Laurie: Oh, of course. And thank god for it. Good Lord, imagine if you _had_ ended up with that old man? You would likely smell sauerkraut all day long, you'd grow old before your time because of all his constant harping on the sins of writing-- oh the horror of it all!-- _adventure stories_, and your children would likely be conceived within a single five span period when he was still virile enough to pound away at you with all the lack of imagination his frame can muster! Could you imagine his face when he... well, you know?

Jo: Erk! No I can't!

Laurie: Well, it's probably the same face he makes when he scolds you, Jo. Just as Amy probably makes the same face in ecstasy that she does when _she_ wants to correct one about the proper way of doing something. It's a shame he's not rich or young enough for her-- they'd make a lovely reforming couple, as long as they're not reforming the two of us!

Jo: Eeeee... you really think?

Laurie: Why not? They both do so enjoy moralizing and correcting the wayward ways of others. And as long as they're not trying to bend us into improperly proper shapes, why not see them be happy together?

Jo: And on that... interesting geometric note, I suppose we ought to get onto the next question already.

**

* * *

**

**Conundrum # 3:**

**My husband is very lazy and doesn't know how to put things away... especially when it comes to his massive liquor collection. I admit, I've done some stupid things after mistaking lemonade or tea with his liquor, but now I want to keep from messing up. One more incident and I think I might die of sheer humiliation. What should I do to keep from embarrassing myself in the future?**

Jo: ...

Laurie: Heh heh heh...

Jo: ...It's like they are purposely _trying_ to play with us. Like they're _enjoying_ our pain!

Laurie: Speak for yourself, dearest! I feel perfectly fine and dandy.

Jo: Oh, you _would_. Readers out there, hear my plea! Help me embarrass him thoroughly!

Laurie: Pshaw, they like me much too much to do that. Who can resist my manly charm, my masculine grace, my witty quips, my strong-browed face...

Jo: Or your legendary sense of humility.

Laurie: Yes! That just adds to my timeless appeal, I think.

Jo: ...Right. Readers, _I wasn't kidding_. But in any case... back to the advice.

Laurie: And the best that I can muster up is that perhaps you should see how your husband responds to your drunken shenanigans in the first place. If he constantly lets you have access to as much liquor as your light-weight form can handle, maybe he even finds it entertaining! Let me assure you, there's nothing quite as charming as seeing your normally prim, only occasionally deranged wife up on a counter-top, _sans_ skirts and rather saucily wearing in a man's outfit, pretending that she's a concerned citizen putting you under arrest for being much, much, _much_ too irresistible to her in her inebriated state.

Jo: Just you wait, Teddy. Just you wait. My vengeance will come soon enough and it will be _severe_.

Laurie: I'm shaking in my gender-inappropriate yet incredibly flattering garments, Jo. Only-- oh no, wait, that's _you_ after you got into my scotch. I only hope I can get a replay eventually!

Jo: Next question. And I will make you regret this thoroughly!

* * *

**Conundrum # 4:**

**I met a girl I really liked but unfortunately she has a twin sister, and I can never tell the two apart! How can I differentiate the two without offending either of them?**

Jo: Hmm... this is a tricky one.

Laurie: Can you define 'like'? As in, do you simply like this girl? Or do you... ah... _like_ like this girl?

Jo: ...Huh? What do you mean?

Laurie: I'm asking our dear reader if she wants to sleep with her be-twinned beauty.

Jo: ...?!

Laurie: Hey now. Don't look at me as though I've just confessed to sodomizing a kitten. It really does impact how I answer the question.

Jo: By varying your level of prurient interest?!

Laurie: Oh, dearest, you needn't worry in that sense. My only prurient interest is in _you_, truly. And besides, how much trouble she might get into for mixing the twins up really depends on _connected_ she is to them. If they're merely friends of hers, she can take her time in figuring who's who by attending to subtle little details on how they walk, talk, dress, act and react. But on the other hand, if one of the twins is her would-be _lover_...

Jo: ...!

Laurie: I suppose our reader would have to end up relying on variables such as how they kiss and what they smell like and the exact pitch of their moans in order to tell the difference...

Jo: ...!!

Laurie: And differentiating one twin from another problem becomes a more urgent problem altogether. I mean, unless said twins _enjoy_ being confused in bed...

Jo: ...!!!

Laurie: Well, worse comes to worse, I suppose you could propose a _menage a trois_ and keep them straight by painting their names across their bodies, or something.

Jo: ...!!!!

Laurie: Darling, this _is_ an advice column, and I'm just giving answers to a tricky situation. I like to think I'm helping, more than any other thing.

Jo: I think I've just run out exclamation marks for the day.

Laurie: And with that, let us go on to the next reader in need.

* * *

**Conundrum # 5: **

**My ex-boyfriend keeps trying to flirt with me, even though he now has another girlfriend. How do I tell him that he has no chance but still be nice about it?**

Laurie: Ah, this is an interesting conundrum. However, seeing as how I'm not and will never be a woman, I'll need to hand this over to my brilliant wife to answer. Brilliant wife, you may now commence with the answering.

Jo: Kind of you to give me permission, dear husband.

Laurie: I know. I'm a gracious man indeed.

Jo: Naturally. And dear reader, you seem to be suffering from what we older women in the know call the human version of a... well, I suppose in your time, you would call it a... Teddy, do me a favor and muffle your ears for a minute.

Laurie: Er... why?

Jo: Because I am about to speak of Womanly Matters Of Which Men Must Not Even Suspect Might Occur Naturally.

Laurie: Oh dear. It must be important-- I can hear all the capital letters falling into place. I'm muffling, I'm muffling...

Jo: Thank you kindly. Anyway, dear reader, he sounds like the human equivalent of a yeast infection. Painful, disgusting, messy, vaguely nauseating... and unwilling to go away on his own. And sadly, unlike an actual yeast infection, he's more _akin_ to a douching than likely to respond to one. So a woman must do in this situation what a woman must do.

Laurie: ...Curiosity compels me to ask. What must a woman do?

Jo: Eep! I thought I told you to shutter your ears!

Laurie: They were shut... up to the last sentence. But now I'm intrigued. What is your feminine recommendation for dealing with a man who irks so detestably?

Jo: Well, now that you've interrupted our special womanly time, I can't give _full_ details. But I promise you that it involves a castration iron, a mallet upside the head, the heating of said iron, and then copious use of bandages. Reader, I trust you understand what I'm getting at to make said human infection stay _cauterized_?

Laurie: ...!!!

Jo: Look, I told you not to listen. These are special womanly techniques that no man is invited to understand.

Laurie: Ugh... I think I can see why now...

Jo: And onto the next question, since I think I've answered this fully.

* * *

**Conundrum # 6:**

**Jo, as an amateur actress yourself, what makeup would you recommend to create fake facial hair on a girl?**

Jo: Hah! You see how many readers want advice strictly from me? Clearly, I am the Laurence most in demand!

Laurie: Heh. I wouldn't dispute that. Especially not when you've got a pair of my trousers on and you've already started writhing...

Jo: ...I'm going to disregard that last part on behalf of my sanity. And reader, there's a very simple way to solve this problem that doesn't require the messy use of pencils, props or itchy false hair either.

Laurie: Oh?

Jo: Simply locate a man who can grow abundant facial hair...

Laurie: Er... check?

Jo: And then wait for him to shave and scavenge the leavings afterward! Or alternately, trim his hair every few weeks and then collect the ends. Either way, as soon as you have enough hair to fashion into a felt chin-bib, you're good to go.

Laurie: ...

Jo: Hah! See, I told you I'd get you back sooner or later.

Laurie: I never should have doubted you, darling.

* * *

**Author's Note**: Thanks goes to all the readers who sent in questions and made this little advice-column project so fun to write! And as always, if you keep sending in questions on any topic under the sun, I'll keep writing this. It's fun, easy, and every column can be written in under an hour-- so I'm planning to keep up with this through the next few busy weeks. ;)

Also, I'm moving soon so my internet access is going to be very sketchy for the next few weeks. Still, I'll try to keep in touch as much as possible. And thanks once again for reading!


	3. Column 3

Advice Column #3 is up! Sorry for the wait, folks, but this set of questions proved a bit tricky. I couldn't get through all of them but I did my best. Thank you for submitting and I do hope Jo and Laurie could help you all just a little bit. ;)

* * *

**Conundrum 1:**

Dear Jo and Laurie:

I seem to be shifting through a myriad of alternate realities lately, and meeting difference versions of myself. I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. Any tips for the inter-dimensional travelers among us?

Jo: Harry Potter?

Laurie: Reed Richards?

Jo: H. G. Wells?

Laurie: In any case, listen carefully!

Jo: Whatever you do, you _must_ avoid meeting alternate versions of yourself! That way lies madness—or at least mutant zombies!

Laurie: The time-line and time-stream must be kept pure and away from disruption! You must not meet alternatives of yourself—such could lead to fragments in the skein of the time-space continuum that would lead to destruction of _all of mankind_ eventually!

Jo: Believe us, we know what we're speaking of! How else do you think we somehow gained a thorough knowledge of pop-culture and can fling off references to Marvel Zombies?

Laurie: Believe us. Hob-knobbing with other versions of yourself is a clarion call toward calumny. _Especially_ if it's a version of yourself with a manicured goatee…

Jo: -Or one with cleavage improbably large enough to lose a limb in!

Laurie: Well… um… the latter wasn't _so_ bad…

Jo: ...! Did you forget the moment she tried to throw us both off the hover-craft into the hoard of velociraptors and how we escaped only because Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Strange had us followed through the week?*

[Note: This is a story I will never write.

…Probably.]

Laurie: Well, um, er- the general point stands. Avoid all doubles as though they were a hungry hoard of dinosaurs. Because they might as well be if they're evil enough. And let's just get to the next question already.

**Conundrum #2:**

As both of you are very independent, what advice can you give me to convince my old-fashioned mother to let me study abroad? She wants me to get married and settled down, while I would love to study more.

Laurie: Have you tried telling her you're going to college to figure out how to have time-travelling shenanigans that might disrupt the flow of the space-time continuum and then running away when she's too confused to speak?

Jo: …?

Laurie: Look, I'm an orphan. I have no idea how to deal with parents since I haven't had any since I was seven. I'm sort of like Batman, since I was played by the same actor in the movies, although I'm less about getting vigilante justice on the mean streets of Gotham City than I am into… um… marrying into your family eventually.

Jo: Er… maybe you should just kindly explain your wishes to your mother and hope she understands. And if she doesn't, go ahead and do it anyway, hopefully with the support of other members of our family. You won't be happy if you spend your entire life trying to live by other people's whims and deeds.

Laurie: And also, time travelling shenanigans really _are_ amazing.

Jo: Yes they are! If you happen to go on any, say hell to the Doctor for us!

Laurie: Tell him we're keeping the timey-wimey big ball of wobbly obbly safe presently!

**Conundrum #3:**

I've been in love with one of my closest friends for a long time. Even though all my other friends say it will never happen, I don't know how to get over him. Any ideas?

Laurie: Switch those gender pronouns around and you have _my_ dilemma. Jo, would you mind taking over?

Jo: Er… er… er… all right?

Laurie: I mean, you _are_ in the position to know what said friend is thinking, no? You may as well tell us at last, dear.

Jo: Erm… well… if you think it'll help…

Laurie: Oh, indeed! And I must admit, I have my own share of perfect curiousity.

Jo: Well… well, if I must, I must. Just… just give me a minute to gather up all my thoughts here. Clear my throat. Maybe suck on a lozenge presently.

Jo: …

Jo: …

Jo: …

Jo: …

Jo: …

Laurie: Er… Jo?

Jo: _Still_ sucking, _still_ sucking…!

Jo: …

Jo: …

Jo: …

Jo: …

Jo: …

Laurie: Do you even _have_ a lozenge on you?

Jo: It's still therapeutic if it's imaginary! It's based on the placebo effect, after all. Medically necessary.

Laurie: Erm… right.

Jo: Anyway, I think this is how he feels. I think… that he maybe… possibly… somewhat… cares for you… I mean, that's most definitely the case! How could you be friends otherwise. But maybe he's… um… scared to admit it or… er… wishes that you could always be friends and not have to worry about all the lovey-dovey mish-mash that couples fight over. That you could always be together and it could be simple and uncomplicated and easy and sweet. And if you try to ask him to do something he isn't ready for, he'll push you away and make a mistake not because he doesn't care about you but he's so, so afraid to lose his independence presently, not realizing you want him to just be the person he already is, and not change in the least. And if you just give him some time and let him know your feelings but don't push, he could maybe—come to accept it and realize how special you are to him, and how much he cares about you and how much he never wants to lose you, not ever, and always wants to be with you and your warmth and kindness and light and love and… live with you and die with you and everything.

Laurie: …Oh Jo. That was lovely.

Jo: Thank you!

Laurie: And though my advice is less eloquent, I found it terribly helpful. Essentially, bribe someone to write fanfic about the two of you. It worked flawlessly for me!

**Conundrum #4:**

Our family has a parrot which my mother is very fond of, and I often forget myself and say things in front of it that I shouldn't. The other day I heard it repeat, in my voice, a string of words thoroughly inappropriate for a young lady's use. I'm terrified that it will squawk in front of my father-or worse, company. What do I do?

Jo: Scotch-tape, my friend. Scotch-tape.

Laurie: …Isn't that animal cruelty?

Jo: And although I haven't tried it on human beings over the age of 10 yet—I was a very in-demand governess for a _reason_- I believe it would also work very well on mouthy husbands.

Laurie: Right… right… shutting mouth entirely here…

**Conundrum #5:**

I'm reading this great book, and there are these two characters who should really be getting it on by now, but they live in this time period where you kind of have to be married first, and the authoress's editor made the boy become a dandy and the girl swoon suddenly for this old German guy...

Jo: Oh, _come on now_! Are you _all_ on his side?

Laurie: Well, why not?

Jo: …

Laurie: I don't know if you've seen it yet but I _am_ indeed rather pretty.

Jo: …

Laurie: Plus, those Germans. Ugh. Soppy peddlers of sauerkraut and sentimentality! A pox on them and any virtuous, innocent maidens they might seduce into being even more boring versions of their mothers eventually!

Jo: …I take it _you_ clearly don't have a grudge against a certain someone for what happened to me in canon…

Laurie: No, no, of course not. How could you even think such an outlandish thing? I'm clearly the very soul of objectivity!

Jo: Ah. Yes. As you've clearly demonstrated.

Laurie: Anyway, I think we have time for one more question.

**Conundrum 6:**

Recently my spouse has been working especially hard at work. I've been trying to get his attention by trying to seduce him-without making my it obvious. I already feigned inebriation by pretending to have confused his liquor for lemonade, and despite much provocative can-canning on his desk was unable to rouse his interest? What else can I do to incite a response?

Jo: I hate you all. No, really, **I hate you all.**

Laurie: Aaaaaaaand at least four people have now decided not to review because of you. Tsk tsk, Jo. Don't you know that every time this author gets below five reviews per chapter, she gets sweaty and desperate and decides to write terrible porn featuring things unheard of in the nineteenth century to drive up the number of readers available to her?

Jo: …How on earth do you know that?

Laurie: …Let's just say there are both good sides and bad sides to being very, very pretty.

Jo: Urgh. I'm not even going to ask.

Laurie: So Jo… for the sake of both of our bottoms—

Jo: Bottoms?

Laurie: _Bottoms._

Jo: Eeep!

Laurie: Let's just answer this question so that this writer doesn't end up doing something _completely_ outlandish. Like write a spanking scene. Or show us roleplaying in terribly graphic detail. Or cross-dressing.

Jo: …Huh. I thought you might actually enjoy some of that, being as awfully perverted as you are?

Laurie: Well, yes. But guess who would end up being the cross-dress_er_?

Jo: _Ooooooooooh._ You don't mean…

Laurie: Yep. Dress. Corset. Stalkings. The whole works.

Jo: …

Jo: …

Jo: …

Laurie: Erm, Jo?

Jo: I've just decided that I… no longer have any advice to give. None whatsoever. My inner advice-giving self has run dry presently.

Laurie: Huh?

Jo: It's just… oh Teddy, I bet you would look so _very_ fetching in all that.

Laurie: …!

Jo: After all, you are _so_ very pretty.

Laurie: … … …I've just been hoisted by my own petard again, haven't I?

Jo: Oh, yes you have, Teddy. And now… to see just how slender that waist of yours can go…

Laurie: Curse you, cruel fate, for surrounding me with such wicked women presently!

* * *

**Author's Note: **I WILL write crossdressing!Laurie fic just to see the poor man be humiliated... oh yes I shall. _Oh yes. _Consider that a promise. ;) And in the meantime, reviews and questions for Jo and Laurie to answer (via reviews) would be much appreciated! Remember... advice columnists are nothing without questions to answer and Jo and Laurie- however talented they may be- still need your help with this!


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